Real World Recipes For Dads – Entry #1

Real World Recipes For Dads – Entry #1 Peanut Butter & Jelly Sandwich

A. Ingredients

• Peanut Butter

• Jelly

• Bread

Warning Note: Dads must NEVER use any substitutes for the ingredients in this list.

B. Real World Recipe Instructions.

Open jar of peanut butter. Sniff to determine freshness. Remove all foreign objects. Smooth over all finger, tooth and nose marks.

Take one slice of bread and put it on a clean, flat surface. You may use a plate for this purpose. If the surface is not clean, at least make sure it is not contaminated with any foreign substances that may get on the bread and cause your child to react violently. Your child will reject any sandwich that contains a foreign substance such as dried peanut butter and jelly, or that mysterious sticky stuff kids leave everywhere.

Take butter knife and dislodge desired portion of peanut butter. Carefully spread peanut butter on the bread with the butter knife. DO NOT TEAR THE BREAD UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES or you will have to start over. Be extremely careful not to get any peanut butter beyond the edge of the bread.

Carefully look around you to see if your child or spouse is watching. If not, lick butter knife.

Open jelly jar. Inspect jelly to see if mold, fungus or old peanut butter is present. You are allowed to ignore these conditions, and the crust around the rim of the jar, as long as your child does not see it. If your child is watching, tell your child to go watch TV and you’ll call him when the sandwich is ready.

Carefully take jelly glob with the butter knife and apply to center of the peanut butter. Caution: it is essential that the jelly be placed in the exact center, because otherwise it will flow over the edge of the bread and you will have to start over. Also, note: no matter how little jelly you use, it will flow over the edge of the bread. (See paragraph above re: clean, flat surfaces) Lick butter knife and toss it into sink with the other unwashed dishes and ashtrays.

Take unused slice of bread and carefully place it on top of bread with peanut and jelly on it. Make sure to center it exactly. Press down carefully to form vacuum seal. Run finger around edge of sandwich to remove all peanut butter and jelly you were warned about flowing over the edge. Lick finger. To remove all traces of peanut butter and jelly, wipe edge of sandwich with wife’s favorite tablecloth. IMPORTANT: be sure to fold and replace tablecloth in the drawer exactly where you found it.

Look for clean butter knife to cut sandwich into halves. Not finding one, take butter knife out of the dirty dishes and ashtrays from sink and cut sandwich into halves. For God’s sake, make sure the sandwich is cut lengthwise, not width-wise, or, heaven forbid, diagonally, or you will have to start over. Throw dirty butter knife into sink. Don’t lick.

Oops. You forgot to cut off the crust! Butter knife in sink is now too disgusting for even you to use. Go get tool box from basement shop.

Remove dripping peanut butter and jelly from sides of sandwich with electric sander. If convenient, plug in power saw; if not, you can use a standard jig saw. (A coping saw may be used in emergency conditions, such as floods, hurricanes or tornadoes, when consistent electrical energy may not be available.) Use saw to remove crust and tip of index finger. Wipe peanut butter, jelly and blood spatters from counter top. Put finger tip in pocket as souvenir, carefully wrapping it in wife’s good table napkin. Place bandage on finger stub. You’re almost finished. Take bastard file from tool box and carefully smooth edges of the sandwich.

Place finished sandwich on wife’s best Wedgwood china and garnish with potato chips. Serve with milk. Yum yum. Come and get it.

Preparation time: approximately 2 hours.

Copyright (c) 2020 Lawrence Gordon.