Hard Biting News #3

Hard Biting News #3 Version 3

Herb: I’m Herb Leeker, your Hard Biting News reporter. Today, I’m attending the International People For Happiness convention. With me is the Grand Vizier of Smiles, George Pomfritte. Welcome to Hard Biting News, Mr. Pomfritte.

Pomfritte: It makes me smile to be here with you, Mr. Leeker. And, please, call me George. My father was Mr. Pomfritte. Ha ha.

Herb: What exactly does your organization do, Mr. Pomfritte?

Pomfritte: George. Our organization was formed to attack unhappiness by its roots and to exterminate it wherever and whenever we can.

Herb: I see. Can you tell me what you see as the cause of all this unhappiness?

Pomfritte: Mostly, it comes from people having a negative outlook on life. Sometimes it comes from poverty, hunger, disease or personal tragedy, but there isn’t much we can do for those folks.

Herb: So, would it be fair to say that you are “ambassadors for happiness?”

Pomfritte: Absolutely, Mr. Leeker. We spread good cheer and happiness day in and day out, worldwide. And it’s not like it’s an easy job. You have no idea how hard it is to make some people happy. You know, after talking to someone who’s particularly negative, I feel like breaking his neck.

Herb: Isn’t that a little extreme, Mr. Pomfritte?

Pomfritte: George. Well, I haven’t actually broken anyone’s neck, Mr. Leeker. But, when you deal with negative people, sometimes you feel like putting them out of their misery.

Herb: Exactly how do you and your organization go about spreading happiness?

Pomfritte: We try to use a variety of techniques, Mr. Leeker. You see, happiness is both physical and emotional, so we try to stimulate happiness with humor and other devices.

Herb: What sort of devices?

Pomfritte: You know, joy buzzers, squirting flowers, bugs in ice cubes, redhot chewing gum, pooh-pooh cushions. That sort of thing.

Herb: Those things sound more like practical jokes than spreading happiness, Mr. Pomfritte.

Pomfritte: George. Well, they make us laugh, Mr. Leeker. Sure, it’s at someone else’s expense, but we need to be happy, too.

Herb: Aren’t your victims offended by being the butt of practical jokes?

Pomfritte: It’s not like we’re murdering anyone, Mr. Leeker. People take offense at things for a variety of reasons. For instance, I don’t like swearing. When I hear people using profanity, I feel like hitting them upside the head.

Herb: It seems to me that you have a lot of repressed anger.

Pomfritte: Not at all, Mr. Leeker. You can’t be happy unless you know what makes you unhappy. Unhappy people make us unhappy. I wish we could get rid of them all, but you can’t do that. Besides, it would violate the organization’s charter.

Herb: How do you deal with unhappiness in your own life?

Pomfritte: I’m never unhappy, Mr. Leeker. I don’t read newspapers or watch sports on television, and I try to avoid unhappy people and situations.

Herb: But doesn’t that cut against the stated goals of your organization, “to spread happiness and good cheer”?

Pomfritte: That’s one of our inspirational goals, Mr. Leeker. Nobody really expects us to be successful. We’ve learned by hard experience that you can’t make other people happy. But, we’re going to keep trying because we think it’s important.

Herb: Finally, Mr. Pomfritte, as Grand Vizier of Smiles, do you have any opinion of the general state of happiness in the world today?

Pomfritte: George. Unfortunately, a lot of people are not happy these days. Those killjoys make life miserable for the rest of us.

Herb: Thank you, Mr. Pomfritte. From the International People For Happiness convention, this is Herb Leeker for Hard Biting News. Back to News Central.

Copyright © 2020 Lawrence Gordon